The Mom in Me

Curiosity...

2012-01-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

One fun thing to think about is 'what will our baby look like?' I always wonder that, even when I think about adoption. I saw these pics in an old album, and had to share. The top pictures show me and Zac with our big sisters, and the bottom shows us in high chairs eating. I was a mess! LOL! I love wondering and imagining what our little one will look like.... :)

"Beautiful" & "A+"

2012-01-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

Note-I love science and medicine and health stuff, and this whole process really interests me, so excuse me if I go into too much detail. This blog is also for me to look back on one day, so I just don't want to leave anything out. :) Hope it's not TMI!
This morning I had my mid-cycle sonogram with Dr. Le. He was equally as impressive on the second visit, as far as his concern, compassion, ability to really listen to us, and then explain everything in a very understandable way. He has the best bedside manner a patient could ask for, yet still is quite personal and has a sense of humor. Dr. Le sincerely makes the entire process not just bearable, but even kind of enjoyable. Anyways, about the appointment...the sonogram went well and he said I have a "beautiful lining." LOL! I bet he said beautiful three times! He explained that he wanted it to be 7 or over, and mine was 8.8, which is ideal for implantation. Hooray! (Haha-I never thought I'd be celebrating the measurement of my uterine lining!) Next he looked for a "mature follicle" (an egg that's ready to be fertilized). He told me that he wanted it to be 15 (15 what?...I couldn't tell ya. I'm not sure what the unit of measurement is.) and my right one was only 14.5. My left was 18 though. He said my follicles would continue to mature today, and should be perfect tomorrow. The nurse taught me how to give myself the HCG shot (in the tummy, about an inch from the belly button), and I will do that tomorrow morning. This will stimulate ovulation, so then the next few days we will try, and hope, and pray, for a little bitty miracle to grow inside of me.
On the way home, I was gloating that my "perfect" uterus also had a "beautiful" lining, and Zac quickly reminded me that Dr. Le gave Zac an "A PLUS!!!" on his report, and that you just can't get any better than an A+! :)

Lucky Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T16:51:00.000-08:00

I had the dye test (HSG) today and my tubes are completely open! Woohoo! I watched on the screen as the concentrated contrast traveled out of each of them and swirled into a beautiful pattern in my body cavity. :) I have a tilted uterus, but the doc said that is very common and shouldn't matter. Zac also found out that he passed his test too! So that means that so far, everything is good. That's exciting. I keep having to remind myself that this doesn't mean we will definitely be able to get pregnant. I am such a dreamer and I keep the best-case scenario in mind at all times, which also makes the hurt that much more painful. Oh well...I like thinking positive! We are now headed to Katy for the weekend for my nephew Owen's birthday. It's neat to think that next year at this time we might have a little one too!!! :) y'all have a great weekend!

Very Proactive

2012-01-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, I tried to write this post without being too graphic, but the truth is, conception is very scientific. If you don't want to know about my cycle, biology, etc, you might not want to read this post. :)
Well, we had our first appointment with Dr. Le today, and it was quite overwhelming. Very informative, but LOTS to take in. I think I'm STILL absorbing everything he told us. It started out pretty scary, with him discussing how scar tissue from all of my previous abdominal surgeries could prevent my f-tube from being able to collect the egg. I felt tears coming to my eyes, and Zac told me later he felt like he got punched in the gut. Luckily, we moved on, and the rest of the appointment was much more positive and optimistic. We mapped out a plan of action, and it seemed too perfect that I went to him on the day I did. When we started talking, he said something about "on day three we will..." and I said "well, I'm actually on day three right now!" He looked at the calendar, agreed, and we were able to start the ball rolling today at the 'consultation' appointment! I had a baseline sonogram, and Dr. Le was very excited to report I have "the perfect uterus!" LOL...I bet he said it five different times! I've been bragging about it all night. Zac's been teasing me, calling me "pug" (perfect uterus girl) I told him "sorry that I'm
excited that ONE of my body-parts is perfect! No doctor has EVER said anything about me was perfect!" Haha! So that was a relief, and then when he saw the location of my ovaries, he was very pleased with that as well. (He'd been afraid that they might me too low or high, misplaced because of
things moving around during surgery.) He then told me that he hoped to see 8-10 eggs in each ovary. Again, I exceeded expectations, and he got very excited. I had TWELVE (yep, a dozen eggs!) in each basket...I mean ovary. He said "wow...you could be an egg donor!" So after the sonogram, we were
in a very good mood! I'm happy to hear that so far, everything looks good. I will start on Clomid tomorrow, and take it for just five days. (Don't worry-we asked, and Clomid only has an 8% chance of causing multiple births.) Friday I will have an HSG (dye test) to check my fallopian tubes and uterus. One cool thing about that, is that I've heard from so many people (including Dr. Le) that this test alone often helps couples get pregnant. Something about the way it flushed everything out and makes the
tubes and uterus more likely to implant the follicle. Next Wednesday I will have a mid-cycle sonogram to look for a mature follicle. On this day I will also get an HCG injection. HCG is the same thing as LH, the lutenizing hormone, and this causes ovulation. The next few days will be the days we "try," and then I'll go for blood work to check my progesterone levels the following Thursday or Friday. You might be
wondering...why the clomid and HCG and progesterone? The doc explained to us that stress can cause your brain and endocrine system to not send out the hormones your body needs to get pregnant. If you are stressed, it's easier to survive without a child, so nature makes it almost impossible to get pregnant. These hormones are natural for conception, taking them just helps ensure things are as ideal as possible, to increase the likelihood of pregnancy. Of course Dr. Le explains it so much better than I do! I told Zac three times "I wish I had recorded our appointment!" It was just soo much info to take in, and I would love to be able to listen to his words and explanations over and over. Also, I can't retell it the way he
does. We are so lucky to have so many people praying for us and rooting for us to become parents. I felt blessed leaving the office, when I was thinking of all the people I wanted to update about the appointment. I only called a couple people, but this blog is serving as a liaison to inform the rest of you kind people who care. Thanks for taking an interest in our journey to parenthood. As I look at the URL of my blog, I'm quite content with the name I chose....Julia's Miracle. Because this baby will be
nothing short of a miracle, and I can't wait to experience that! :)

New year, same hopes...

2012-01-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

While this blog has gotten no attention from me in quite some time, the thought of becoming a mom has been at the front of my mind for months now. Zac and I started "trying" back in the summer. In the beginning it wasn't too hard to handle, on that certain day when I got confirmation that I was not pregnant. It was a big disappointment, but it was still new and there wasn't much urgency. As the months have come and gone though, each time I start my period is harder and more difficult. When I started last night, I was completely crushed. Like, major melt-down mode. The only way I can describe it is heart break. And while I try not to have self-pity, sometimes I just want to scream "why not me!? I will be a good mommy! I can afford it! I have a loving supportive husband who will be a good daddy!! What's wrong with us? Why can't WE have a kid?" but then I get over it, and try to remember what EVERYONE keeps telling me...He has a plan, and it's in His timing. I know Zac and I will be parents when the time is right. I fully trust that. I just want the right time to be now!! :) Trying to get pregnant is such an emotionally exhausting and consuming process. I never realized just how heart-breaking it can be, until I was put in this position. Luckily, Zac and I both see adoption as a very exciting and awesome possibility. In fact, even if we have one child biologically, we plan on adopting the second. So why am I so upset about obsessed with getting pregnant? I can't answer that. I don't know why I'm so desperate. I know it will be hard on my body, I know there are risks, I know how amazing adoption is. Yet somehow, I just can't move on quite yet. I think it's the not knowing. Can I even get pregnant? Is this even a possibility? Are we trying all for nothing, or do we keep trying? I think I will be able to be at peace if I find out I can NOT carry a child, I think it's just the not knowing, and the cycle of getting my hopes up, only to be let down, OVER and OVER and OVER, month after month.
All that being said, I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on Monday. Zac and I both agree that we do not want to take any drastic measures (no IVF or hardcore fertility drugs, etc), but we have decided to get testing done to see if pregnancy is even a possibility for us. Every since I made the appointment today, I've had a little sense of relief. At least we will know...one way or the other...at least we will know. If we are told that I can't have a pregnancy, I don't think I will mourn that. Like I said, we are super excited about adoption. I just want to know we did all we could to try. It will also be a relief, even if he says we can't get pregnant, because at least then we can quit hoping and waiting and expecting and then getting hurt. We can move on, and start the next process.
Either way, I know I will be a mom. And I KNOW when that baby is in my arms, I will say it was worth the wait, and the pain, and the experience. So that's just what I'll think about until she is safe in my arms looking up at me. :)

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

I am hoping that this will be my last Mother's Day without being an actual mom to a human. (I'm already Molly's mama!) Hopefully next May we will either have a baby, be pregnant, or be in the process of adoption. Very exciting! :)
As you probably know, (one of my FAVORITE actresses) Sandra Bullock just adopted a little boy for New Orleans. She recently did an interview for People magazine, and I think she has such a great spirit about her. I've always been impressed with her down-to-earth mentality, and this article was no different. Although I enjoyed the entire thing, I'll share my favorite quote with you below, because I want the same for my kids:
"I want him to know no limits on where he can go. I want him to experience all cultures, nationalities, countries and people. I want his mind to be open and free. We were raised that we are all the same. No one greater, smarter, more powerful. We are all equal. I would love for him to know that. He has a big beautiful diverse family. As long as he knows he is loved and protected and given the opportunity to touch and see everything, then I will have done my job as a mama."

Dr appt...

2009-12-29T23:16:00.000-08:00

This January will be my ten year "Colon anniversary." I can't believe that it's already been ten years...that is just nuts to me. Anyways, because I do not have a large intestine (at all), I have always known there is a risk of complications with pregnancy. Over the break, Zac and I made an appointment with my Colon Surgeon to have a serious talk about what this means for me, and what the risks and facts are.
This was Zac's first time to meet Dr. Cline and of course he loved him as much as we all do. Dr. Cline's face lit up when we told him we were ready to start a family (he has known me since I was 16, so he has watched me grow up). He also had some good news for us. He said the actual pregnancy itself should not be too risky. He did say that we could have a very hard time getting pregnant (abdominal surgeries lead to scar tissue, which can interfere with fertility) and it might take us a longer time than most couples, but that it should be possible. He also urged me to have a scheduled cesarean to deliver the baby. I already knew this, and I'm very comfortable with the idea of this, so that was not shocking or disappointing at all.
Anyways, he pretty much gave us the "green light" which is so exciting. Naturally I still have questions and concerns (will we be able to get pregnant at all? how long will it take? at what point do we quit 'trying' and move on to adoption...another great choice we're considering), but at least some research has been done, and we now know that "pregnancy after colectomy" is possible and realistic! Yay!!! :)
PS-All that being said, I should mention that we are planning a trip to Europe this June. I know that if we don't take this trip before we have kids, it will not happen for at least 15-20 years. It might sound selfish, but knowing that I can't leave the country if I am preggers, we are going to wait to start trying until after the trip. I even joked with Zac that maybe she could be conceived in Andalucia and we could name her Ana! haha! TMI? Okay, sorry!

Name Claim

2009-10-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

People have all different philosophies when it comes to baby names. Some people like to:
-pick a name and not tell anyone until the child is born
-pick a name and tell people when they find out the sex of the baby
-steal a name, or use an obvious family name
-announce the name of their future unborn children, long before they are even expecting.

Guess which one I am? :) Yep, Zac and I talked about baby names very early in our relationship and have not wavered much since then. I share these names with you not to really "CLAIM" them, because we will use these names even if our family and friends use them too (remember, we have liked them a LONG time), but just so you know what Zac and I plan on naming our munchkins. :)

If it's a boy, we have always liked "William Andrew." But he'll be called Drew. I think it's cool when everyone calls a boy by his nickname, but only his mom and girlfriend/wife call him by his full name.
I also love the name Asher, but this is new, and I haven't discussed it with Zac much, so that's just a backup. ;)

Girl names we love are:
Allison (Ally)
Emily Jayne (Emma or Em-Jay)
and another new one I love is Ava. I think Ava Brooke is pretty.

Fun fact about me, while we are on the topic of baby names...when I was a girl (until the age of about 13) I wanted to have quintuplet girls, and name them Kacey, Lacey, Stacy, Tracy, Macy! Can you believe that? Haha, Zac is very glad that I outgrew that dream!

Thoughts on our names??

baby fever

2009-10-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

ugh...i have had so much baby fever lately. i can't stand it. i feel incomplete. i want a baby, or at least to know that one is on the way. i am open to pregnancy or adoption or a delivery by a stork...i just want a child, and zac is the same way. we are always on the lookout when we are in public...we just can't get enough of babies, toddlers, and children. i can not wait to be a mom. until then, i will listen to music in my car entirely too loudly and tell myself it's okay that i don't have a baby in the backseat or i would not be able to do this. (I tell myself that, but i don't really believe it...HELLO, I would trade loud music for a baby ANY DAY!)

Sweet Songs

2009-02-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

The Great Unknown

2009-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

It is scary not knowing what the future holds. I know it holds me being a mom, and I can not wait for that. I just wonder about so many details of motherhood. Lately though, I mostly wonder in what means our child will come to us. Will I be able to get pregnant? Will it take a long time? If I do, will it be a safe pregnancy? Will it happen easily, or after many stressful and heartbreaking months? Will we adopt? Will it be international? Will we have the money to do so? I know when the time comes, God will lead us in the direction he has planned for us, but for now the waiting is just frustrating. I want to already be on the path towards motherhood, and I guess in a way I am...maybe I should say I want to already be near the "finish line" (which is really just the beginning) on the path to motherhood! Sheesh! So much to think about and worry about and dream about. :)

Dreaming of Drew

2008-12-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

So the other night I had a dream that Zac and I were getting ready for a wedding. We had a little baby boy named Drew, who was peacefully sleeping while we got dressed and primped. All of the sudden, the doorbell rang and simultaneously Zac and I both said "that's my parents." We looked at each other confused...I knew it was my mom and dad, but was he suggesting it was his mom and dad at the door? When we went together to answer the door, it was his parents standing there, but my parents pulled up while we were still at the door. We all looked confused. Zac and I finally realized that there was a misunderstanding and we each had asked our parents to watch Drew while we went to the wedding. We were running late and had to leave, but our mom's suggested that since they both wanted to spend time with their baby grandson, they all just stay to watch him (and I think I vaguely remember the dads talking about some big game being on tv that night). The last thing I remember was Zac and I leaving in the car and feeling weird that we were leaving our baby, our home, and we had four house guests. Haha...isn't that a descriptive dream? When I woke up I lay there and thought about it for a long time. It was a happy dream. The funny thing is that I can totally see our parents doing that. They get along very well, and I know that they would enjoy anytime with their grandson.
Oh, and for more specifics, I remember that Drew was small and skinny. He had on baby blue and his nursery was baby blue and light brown...which is weird, since I have never thought of using those colors in a nursery. haha, oh well.

Passion and Ambition...

2008-12-04T11:34:00.001-08:00

Last night when we were watching tv, Zac was laying on the couch and out of the blue said "I'm ready to have a little baby. A girl. She would be laying on my chest right now if she was here." awww... Told you we have baby fever!

Today as I was doing some homework, I told Zac I don't even know why I want a degree, because I never want to work...I just want to be a full time mom and be with my kids. I asked him if he ever wished that I had more ambition and he said the sweetest thing. He told me that I do have lots of ambition...that I am ambitious about being the best mom ever. He told me that he thought it was cool that I have something I am completely passionate about, and said that many people do not have that amount of passion towards something. :) Wasn't that sweet?? I didn't even have anything to say back, I was just smiling and soaking it in.

See, little one...I already think about you ALL THE TIME, and you are not even created yet! hehe

I know, I know...

2008-12-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not a mom yet, we're not even trying yet...why do I need a blog? Well, I just so happen to be one of those sappy-sentimental people who wants to write letters to their unborn (okay, and unconceived) children! I always think "I need to tell our kids this when they are older" about random things, so why not go ahead and start communicating with them?

All my life, all I have ever wanted to be was a mommy. STILL, all I want to be is a mom. I wish I cared about a career and being rich, but the truth is I just don't, and I can't change that. All I want is to be a mommy, and I have wanted it longer than I can ever remember wanting anything. Even more than the "perfect wedding day" as a child, I thought about being a Mama. And not just to babies, I like to think about the teenage years too, that seem to scare other people. I am looking forward to my kids being in high school and involved in various activities (there are certain ones I hope they choose more than others, but hey, its their choice, right?). I can't wait to go to soccer games and sell stuff for fund-raisers. I WANT to wake up in the middle of the night to tend to my needy baby (I know, I know...I will be regretting saying that one day!)

I don't know...I guess I'm just rambling. You could say I have had baby fever going on about three years now, and it keeps getting stronger! Zac finishes his masters, and I graduate with my bachelors in December of 2009, which is one year away. And so...the countdown begins. Zac and I made a deal that as soon as I graduate, we will start a family. I can't wait!!!