While this blog has gotten no attention from me in quite some time, the thought of becoming a mom has been at the front of my mind for months now. Zac and I started "trying" back in the summer. In the beginning it wasn't too hard to handle, on that certain day when I got confirmation that I was not pregnant. It was a big disappointment, but it was still new and there wasn't much urgency. As the months have come and gone though, each time I start my period is harder and more difficult. When I started last night, I was completely crushed. Like, major melt-down mode. The only way I can describe it is heart break. And while I try not to have self-pity, sometimes I just want to scream "why not me!? I will be a good mommy! I can afford it! I have a loving supportive husband who will be a good daddy!! What's wrong with us? Why can't WE have a kid?" but then I get over it, and try to remember what EVERYONE keeps telling me...He has a plan, and it's in His timing. I know Zac and I will be parents when the time is right. I fully trust that. I just want the right time to be now!! :) Trying to get pregnant is such an emotionally exhausting and consuming process. I never realized just how heart-breaking it can be, until I was put in this position. Luckily, Zac and I both see adoption as a very exciting and awesome possibility. In fact, even if we have one child biologically, we plan on adopting the second. So why am I so upset about obsessed with getting pregnant? I can't answer that. I don't know why I'm so desperate. I know it will be hard on my body, I know there are risks, I know how amazing adoption is. Yet somehow, I just can't move on quite yet. I think it's the not knowing. Can I even get pregnant? Is this even a possibility? Are we trying all for nothing, or do we keep trying? I think I will be able to be at peace if I find out I can NOT carry a child, I think it's just the not knowing, and the cycle of getting my hopes up, only to be let down, OVER and OVER and OVER, month after month.
All that being said, I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on Monday. Zac and I both agree that we do not want to take any drastic measures (no IVF or hardcore fertility drugs, etc), but we have decided to get testing done to see if pregnancy is even a possibility for us. Every since I made the appointment today, I've had a little sense of relief. At least we will know...one way or the other...at least we will know. If we are told that I can't have a pregnancy, I don't think I will mourn that. Like I said, we are super excited about adoption. I just want to know we did all we could to try. It will also be a relief, even if he says we can't get pregnant, because at least then we can quit hoping and waiting and expecting and then getting hurt. We can move on, and start the next process.
Either way, I know I will be a mom. And I KNOW when that baby is in my arms, I will say it was worth the wait, and the pain, and the experience. So that's just what I'll think about until she is safe in my arms looking up at me. :)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
I am hoping that this will be my last Mother's Day without being an actual mom to a human. (I'm already Molly's mama!) Hopefully next May we will either have a baby, be pregnant, or be in the process of adoption. Very exciting! :)
As you probably know, (one of my FAVORITE actresses) Sandra Bullock just adopted a little boy for New Orleans. She recently did an interview for People magazine, and I think she has such a great spirit about her. I've always been impressed with her down-to-earth mentality, and this article was no different. Although I enjoyed the entire thing, I'll share my favorite quote with you below, because I want the same for my kids:
"I want him to know no limits on where he can go. I want him to experience all cultures, nationalities, countries and people. I want his mind to be open and free. We were raised that we are all the same. No one greater, smarter, more powerful. We are all equal. I would love for him to know that. He has a big beautiful diverse family. As long as he knows he is loved and protected and given the opportunity to touch and see everything, then I will have done my job as a mama."
As you probably know, (one of my FAVORITE actresses) Sandra Bullock just adopted a little boy for New Orleans. She recently did an interview for People magazine, and I think she has such a great spirit about her. I've always been impressed with her down-to-earth mentality, and this article was no different. Although I enjoyed the entire thing, I'll share my favorite quote with you below, because I want the same for my kids:
"I want him to know no limits on where he can go. I want him to experience all cultures, nationalities, countries and people. I want his mind to be open and free. We were raised that we are all the same. No one greater, smarter, more powerful. We are all equal. I would love for him to know that. He has a big beautiful diverse family. As long as he knows he is loved and protected and given the opportunity to touch and see everything, then I will have done my job as a mama."
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Dr appt...
This January will be my ten year "Colon anniversary." I can't believe that it's already been ten years...that is just nuts to me. Anyways, because I do not have a large intestine (at all), I have always known there is a risk of complications with pregnancy. Over the break, Zac and I made an appointment with my Colon Surgeon to have a serious talk about what this means for me, and what the risks and facts are.
This was Zac's first time to meet Dr. Cline and of course he loved him as much as we all do. Dr. Cline's face lit up when we told him we were ready to start a family (he has known me since I was 16, so he has watched me grow up). He also had some good news for us. He said the actual pregnancy itself should not be too risky. He did say that we could have a very hard time getting pregnant (abdominal surgeries lead to scar tissue, which can interfere with fertility) and it might take us a longer time than most couples, but that it should be possible. He also urged me to have a scheduled cesarean to deliver the baby. I already knew this, and I'm very comfortable with the idea of this, so that was not shocking or disappointing at all.
Anyways, he pretty much gave us the "green light" which is so exciting. Naturally I still have questions and concerns (will we be able to get pregnant at all? how long will it take? at what point do we quit 'trying' and move on to adoption...another great choice we're considering), but at least some research has been done, and we now know that "pregnancy after colectomy" is possible and realistic! Yay!!! :)
PS-All that being said, I should mention that we are planning a trip to Europe this June. I know that if we don't take this trip before we have kids, it will not happen for at least 15-20 years. It might sound selfish, but knowing that I can't leave the country if I am preggers, we are going to wait to start trying until after the trip. I even joked with Zac that maybe she could be conceived in Andalucia and we could name her Ana! haha! TMI? Okay, sorry!
This was Zac's first time to meet Dr. Cline and of course he loved him as much as we all do. Dr. Cline's face lit up when we told him we were ready to start a family (he has known me since I was 16, so he has watched me grow up). He also had some good news for us. He said the actual pregnancy itself should not be too risky. He did say that we could have a very hard time getting pregnant (abdominal surgeries lead to scar tissue, which can interfere with fertility) and it might take us a longer time than most couples, but that it should be possible. He also urged me to have a scheduled cesarean to deliver the baby. I already knew this, and I'm very comfortable with the idea of this, so that was not shocking or disappointing at all.
Anyways, he pretty much gave us the "green light" which is so exciting. Naturally I still have questions and concerns (will we be able to get pregnant at all? how long will it take? at what point do we quit 'trying' and move on to adoption...another great choice we're considering), but at least some research has been done, and we now know that "pregnancy after colectomy" is possible and realistic! Yay!!! :)
PS-All that being said, I should mention that we are planning a trip to Europe this June. I know that if we don't take this trip before we have kids, it will not happen for at least 15-20 years. It might sound selfish, but knowing that I can't leave the country if I am preggers, we are going to wait to start trying until after the trip. I even joked with Zac that maybe she could be conceived in Andalucia and we could name her Ana! haha! TMI? Okay, sorry!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Name Claim
People have all different philosophies when it comes to baby names. Some people like to:
-pick a name and not tell anyone until the child is born
-pick a name and tell people when they find out the sex of the baby
-steal a name, or use an obvious family name
-announce the name of their future unborn children, long before they are even expecting.
Guess which one I am? :) Yep, Zac and I talked about baby names very early in our relationship and have not wavered much since then. I share these names with you not to really "CLAIM" them, because we will use these names even if our family and friends use them too (remember, we have liked them a LONG time), but just so you know what Zac and I plan on naming our munchkins. :)
If it's a boy, we have always liked "William Andrew." But he'll be called Drew. I think it's cool when everyone calls a boy by his nickname, but only his mom and girlfriend/wife call him by his full name.
I also love the name Asher, but this is new, and I haven't discussed it with Zac much, so that's just a backup. ;)
Girl names we love are:
Allison (Ally)
Emily Jayne (Emma or Em-Jay)
and another new one I love is Ava. I think Ava Brooke is pretty.
Fun fact about me, while we are on the topic of baby names...when I was a girl (until the age of about 13) I wanted to have quintuplet girls, and name them Kacey, Lacey, Stacy, Tracy, Macy! Can you believe that? Haha, Zac is very glad that I outgrew that dream!
Thoughts on our names??
-pick a name and not tell anyone until the child is born
-pick a name and tell people when they find out the sex of the baby
-steal a name, or use an obvious family name
-announce the name of their future unborn children, long before they are even expecting.
Guess which one I am? :) Yep, Zac and I talked about baby names very early in our relationship and have not wavered much since then. I share these names with you not to really "CLAIM" them, because we will use these names even if our family and friends use them too (remember, we have liked them a LONG time), but just so you know what Zac and I plan on naming our munchkins. :)
If it's a boy, we have always liked "William Andrew." But he'll be called Drew. I think it's cool when everyone calls a boy by his nickname, but only his mom and girlfriend/wife call him by his full name.
I also love the name Asher, but this is new, and I haven't discussed it with Zac much, so that's just a backup. ;)
Girl names we love are:
Allison (Ally)
Emily Jayne (Emma or Em-Jay)
and another new one I love is Ava. I think Ava Brooke is pretty.
Fun fact about me, while we are on the topic of baby names...when I was a girl (until the age of about 13) I wanted to have quintuplet girls, and name them Kacey, Lacey, Stacy, Tracy, Macy! Can you believe that? Haha, Zac is very glad that I outgrew that dream!
Thoughts on our names??
Monday, October 26, 2009
baby fever
ugh...i have had so much baby fever lately. i can't stand it. i feel incomplete. i want a baby, or at least to know that one is on the way. i am open to pregnancy or adoption or a delivery by a stork...i just want a child, and zac is the same way. we are always on the lookout when we are in public...we just can't get enough of babies, toddlers, and children. i can not wait to be a mom. until then, i will listen to music in my car entirely too loudly and tell myself it's okay that i don't have a baby in the backseat or i would not be able to do this. (I tell myself that, but i don't really believe it...HELLO, I would trade loud music for a baby ANY DAY!)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Great Unknown
It is scary not knowing what the future holds. I know it holds me being a mom, and I can not wait for that. I just wonder about so many details of motherhood. Lately though, I mostly wonder in what means our child will come to us. Will I be able to get pregnant? Will it take a long time? If I do, will it be a safe pregnancy? Will it happen easily, or after many stressful and heartbreaking months? Will we adopt? Will it be international? Will we have the money to do so? I know when the time comes, God will lead us in the direction he has planned for us, but for now the waiting is just frustrating. I want to already be on the path towards motherhood, and I guess in a way I am...maybe I should say I want to already be near the "finish line" (which is really just the beginning) on the path to motherhood! Sheesh! So much to think about and worry about and dream about. :)
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