Can heartbreak harm a fetus?

My grandmother passed away Monday night. It's been almost 48 hours (seems like longer) and it's still surreal. The pain ebbs and flows. For the most part I can function normally, just with an immense pain in my heart. But sometimes, well sometimes I can't breathe and the grief overwhelms me. I can't fight the tears, (or should I saw sobs), and the pain in my chest explodes like fireworks, until every part of me aches. I'm not just grieving the loss of my precious Baw. Unfortunately I was with her in the end, and saw the suffering and panic. No one ever wants to see someone they love so dearly go through such a traumatic event. Those five minutes are haunting me; when I'm awake, when I'm sleeping, when I awake from sleeping. I can't get that awful image out of my head. This is not what I want to think about when I think of my Baw. I try to make my mind flip to her laughter or stories, her joy and her warmth. I hope those memories come back soon. Right now I can only think of the end, and it's horrible. On top of that experience, I can't quit worrying about baby Drew. My everything hurts, and I fear it will affect him. When I feel the black cloud coming on, I try to talk myself out of it, so little Drew won't feel the pain, or know mommy feels like she's dying inside. Sometimes I can push it along, but sometimes it takes over without asking me. Can my broken heart hurt him? I really hope not! I keep thinking of the women who lost their husbands that were pregnant on 9/11. Not that I'm comparing myself to them, but that I think their children came out okay (I saw a 20/20 about those special moms and children), so I'm telling myself Drew will be just fine. But I do worry, and I do feel guilty. I know stress releases extra cortisol, and this extra cortisol is found in the amniotic fluid, but I've also read that to effect the fetus, these extra levels must be elevated long term. It's too much to think about really. No more Baw, the traumatic event, hurting baby Drew...I just want it to be a month from now, and some of these extreme emotions to have settled and minimized. I never want to wish away time, but I do want to feel like me again. I want what happened Monday night to leave my brain, and to have only happy memories of my grandmother.

*I wrote this stream-of-conscious style, and didn't want to edit it. It's more for me than any other reader, as I was hoping that writing down some feelings might help me sort them out.

kicks & giggles

The first time I felt the baby move was the night before Easter. It was March 7th, and we were in Burnet, spending the weekend with Zac's family. I felt this little flutter, and immediately smiled. I woke Zac up to tell him I felt Sweet Pea move. I could tell he was happy, and he asked me a few questions, then fell easily back to sleep. I laid in the dark grinning, anxious for the day Zac could feel this little miracle inside of me too.
A few weeks ago, I woke up to use the restroom around 4am. Before I got back into bed I chugged almost an entire bottle of water. When I laid down again, Drew went crazy. It felt like he was flipping and kicking and fist pumping! I giggled out loud and imagined him dancing with me as a toddler. I sure hope he likes to dance. I thought it would just last a fleeting moment, like it always had, but this party continued for well over twenty minutes. Of course I wanted to go back to sleep (eventually!), but I didn't even mind laying wide awake, just feeling his movement. I dreamed of this moment for a long time, and here I was experiencing it.
Last night, (June 5th) as I laid down to fall asleep, Mr. Drew had other plans. As soon as I was lying still, he started his party. I put my hand on my tummy to tell him "I feel ya buddy" and felt a little kick against it. I grabbed Zac's hand and placed it on that same spot. Nothing at first, so I put my hand on tip of his, and pushed it down a little harder. A second later, Drew kicked pretty hard, and Zac laughed out loud. It was the sweetest thing, and I'll never forget it. I can't wait for Zac to feel him again!