New year, same hopes...

While this blog has gotten no attention from me in quite some time, the thought of becoming a mom has been at the front of my mind for months now. Zac and I started "trying" back in the summer. In the beginning it wasn't too hard to handle, on that certain day when I got confirmation that I was not pregnant. It was a big disappointment, but it was still new and there wasn't much urgency. As the months have come and gone though, each time I start my period is harder and more difficult. When I started last night, I was completely crushed. Like, major melt-down mode. The only way I can describe it is heart break. And while I try not to have self-pity, sometimes I just want to scream "why not me!? I will be a good mommy! I can afford it! I have a loving supportive husband who will be a good daddy!! What's wrong with us? Why can't WE have a kid?" but then I get over it, and try to remember what EVERYONE keeps telling me...He has a plan, and it's in His timing. I know Zac and I will be parents when the time is right. I fully trust that. I just want the right time to be now!! :) Trying to get pregnant is such an emotionally exhausting and consuming process. I never realized just how heart-breaking it can be, until I was put in this position. Luckily, Zac and I both see adoption as a very exciting and awesome possibility. In fact, even if we have one child biologically, we plan on adopting the second. So why am I so upset about obsessed with getting pregnant? I can't answer that. I don't know why I'm so desperate. I know it will be hard on my body, I know there are risks, I know how amazing adoption is. Yet somehow, I just can't move on quite yet. I think it's the not knowing. Can I even get pregnant? Is this even a possibility? Are we trying all for nothing, or do we keep trying? I think I will be able to be at peace if I find out I can NOT carry a child, I think it's just the not knowing, and the cycle of getting my hopes up, only to be let down, OVER and OVER and OVER, month after month.
All that being said, I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on Monday. Zac and I both agree that we do not want to take any drastic measures (no IVF or hardcore fertility drugs, etc), but we have decided to get testing done to see if pregnancy is even a possibility for us. Every since I made the appointment today, I've had a little sense of relief. At least we will know...one way or the other...at least we will know. If we are told that I can't have a pregnancy, I don't think I will mourn that. Like I said, we are super excited about adoption. I just want to know we did all we could to try. It will also be a relief, even if he says we can't get pregnant, because at least then we can quit hoping and waiting and expecting and then getting hurt. We can move on, and start the next process.
Either way, I know I will be a mom. And I KNOW when that baby is in my arms, I will say it was worth the wait, and the pain, and the experience. So that's just what I'll think about until she is safe in my arms looking up at me. :)